RITCH HOCHSTETLER
“You’re a F%$@ing idiot!,” she yelled. “You took my spot even though you saw me coming!” My “mistake” was parking in an angled space (there were two available) which apparently made her life unmanageable as it became more challenging to maneuver her jeep. No matter that she made an illegal turn crossing Main Street from the wrong direction to access parking.
I responded with, “I wasn’t trying to take your parking space! There were two available.” Instead of appeasing her, my words added fuel to her emotional fire. After another round of expletives (including being referenced by a name I’ve never been called), I walked toward the other side of the street and slung these words in her direction, “You are choosing to have this attitude!”
For some reason, following this unexpected and caustic verbal altercation, I have had a hard time dealing with the absurdity of the encounter, and the lingering resentment that feels like being caught in an emotional undertow of unwarranted mean-spiritedness.
As I have continued to reflect on this 45 second encounter between two human beings, with no personal history of being “wronged” by the other, I find myself being pulled toward one word:
Perspective
The Kansas Leadership Center has coined a phrase for helping leaders (and people) to help address the intricacies that arise when human beings are forced to deal with differences of thought or opinion. The phrase is a finish-the-sentence tool that begins with “One interpretation is…”
This phrase creates the mental and emotional margin for people to back up and assess their “parking space” while recognizing that another person is coming with their own personal perspective that has a big impact on how they are seeing and experiencing the world at any given moment. Recognizing and accounting for other’s perspectives carries with it the weight of a range of mitigating factors including; trauma, unconscious bias, social and emotional health, adverse child experiences, health issues, and the list goes on.
This leads me to ask the question, “What was this woman’s perspective in her approach to a parking spot that day?” One interpretation is that she might have been experiencing a personal crisis that had set her emotions on edge.” Or, one interpretation is that she had indigestion from eating a bad gas station breakfast sandwich and wasn’t feeling well, so was super irritated to start with.
I do not have a crystal ball to determine why and explosion of vitriol and expletives were hurled at me that day. However, upon reflection, I realize that I also have to give account for the fact my approach to this encounter also came from a perspective. My perspective included a core belief that at, any given moment, every person has the agency to regulate their emotions and that it’s just a simple matter of choice to take a reasoned and thoughtful action based on this centered place of self-leadership.
If having perspective means being able to see things in their true relation to each other and understand what is important, then I believe this means slowing things down and taking a step back in order to best discern where people are coming from, the context surrounding the issue, and how am I responding to the thoughts and feelings I am experiencing as a result.
This requires an intentional level of curiosity, which is counter to the bombastic and judgmental cultural milieu we find ourselves ensconced in. This curiosity can lead to perspective-taking, which is the ability to understand a situation or concept from another person’s point of view. It’s a vital social skill that helps people communicate, build relationships, and respond to conflicts. Perspective-taking is a core foundation for extending empathy and compassion. This is articulated and expanded upon through the research of author, speaker, and trainer Brené Brown.
Only when diverse perspectives are included, respected, and valued can we start to get a full picture of the world: who we serve, what they need, and how to successfully meet people where they are. – Brené Brown
If I am honest with myself, my response to being accosted over a parking space that day, as unwarranted and even a bit bizarre as it felt, flowed from a perspective that left little space for curiosity that might have seasoned the emotion ladened moment with a bit of grace and compassion.
The reality is, we are all grounded (and often stuck) in our own perspectives that provide the lens for how we see others and the world.
In order to embrace others and their stories, we must adjust to a wide-angle lens that takes in both the beauty and the brokenness of different perspectives. Validating another’s point of view means showing that you accept and respect another person’s feelings. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with their beliefs, attitudes, or actions.
Expanding our lens to an even wider angle, as we are bombarded with the horrific suffering humans are inflicting on one another, and the unceasing power-grabs in the political sphere, what would it look like if more of us approached differences from the starting place of acceptance and respect for other human beings? Even as I raise this question, I recognize how impossible this seems as I recognize anger, sadness, grief, and disbelief for how mean we can be to each other. Myself included.
I doubt every crossing paths with this stranger I had a brief encounter with over a parking space. But if I did, my last words to her might be, “Sorry if I added frustration to your day. I hear you and see you.” I still can’t imagine we would have become Facebook friends, but maybe enough space would have been given for both of us to reclaim our common humanity.